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Does my boyfriend’s pal have to be mine too?

I can’t stand my boyfriend’s best friend. For the life of me, I can’t understand why they are friends as they have nothing in common. I love my boyfriend and we are talking about getting married, so his friend could be permanently in my life. What can I do?

One challenging element of all relationships is that you have two different people, with two sets of friends. Some of them you will get along with and others you won’t. You have to ask yourself, why don’t I like this person? Is it a personality clash or are their deeper issues at play, such as jealousy. Is your dislike justified? 

It is, of course, a different situation if this person is genuinely bad for your boyfriend. Make sure you haven’t judged too quickly, based on only a few meetings. If it is just that you don’t have a lot in common then you have to take the time and effort to find some common ground. If you can’t find any then it’s time to create some. Of course, the one thing, and the most important thing, you have in common is your boyfriend. 

It is really important that you don’t suppress your feelings – you need to talk to your boyfriend. The worst thing you can do is ignore the issue. This person is important to your other half, so you have to make an effort to explain why you feel the way you do, but also show the commitment you have to trying to working it out. 

Negativity

Describe your feelings and, together, consider and agree the best way to move forward. If you don’t then negativity and bitterness will creep in and badly affect your relationship. It’s not about attacking his friend, it is simply and maturely accepting that there are some people you don’t click with and that’s okay, but that you’re going to work at it as best you can. This is not about having an argument, just sharing how you feel.

It’s fine to ask your boyfriend to limit your time around this person, let them spend time together without you always being included. This situation will provide you with the chance in your relationship to compromise. 

Your future marriage will not weather the many storms that life throws at you, if you cannot learn to put your partner’s desires ahead of your own sometimes. 

If the situation doesn’t improve, it might be a good idea to talk to the friend. 

After all, you both care about the same person. Have a healthy dialogue and lay it out respectfully to try and figure out a way of moving forward together. You’re not asking to be his best friend also, but simply for a way to try and get along. The best you can do is commit to being civil, this might be challenging but it is the mature thing to do.